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From the Bimah
October 2007

"As a single, 42-year-old woman, I'm no longer considered just a 'late bloomer.' I'm a lost cause." So writes Wendy Aron in a past edition of Newsweek's "My Turn," column. She continues: "I've considered myself a Jew first and an American second. That's why it's incredibly sad that as a 42-year-old single woman I feel at best ignored, at worst totally abandoned, by Judaism. There's no tradition of being happily single in the Jewish religion." Ms. Aron is correct. Within Judaism, marriage has always been axiomatic, an un-compromised ideal. As the Bible states: "It is not good for humans to be alone [sic] unmarried." Yes, being single, whether self-imposed, or inadvertent is not ideal within the Jewish tradition.

But so what? There are many ideals within Judaism to which all of us either stray or fall short -- or are simply unwilling to fulfill. I don't believe for a moment that God's love for us is diminished as a result. Someone who is single, divorced, gay, or simply chooses to, or is unable to marry is still welcomed within the community of God, and by extension the Jewish community. A single person -- no matter the reason -- is no less made in God's image than a married one. Maybe, just maybe, the issue is not God or the Jewish religion? Maybe the issue stems out of the individual?

Of course, there are times to indict God and religion, but all too often both are the recipients of an undeserved "black eye." (Remember Bible scholar Rabbi Gunther Plaut's question: "Who is the most tragic figure in the Bible? Answer: God!) Maybe the issue is not one of leadership, be it divine or human, but rather, as one colleague puts it, "followship."

Communities have their limitations, no doubt. But they are typically a reflection of the sum of their parts. Healthy organizations reflect their constituents. But let's face it, while more can be done to aid singles, as a grouping, they are not seen or treated as outcasts by the Jewish community. Marriage is not for everyone -- fine, we all acknowledge that.

Towards the end of her column Ms. Aron writes: "It's my fondest desire in life to prove them all wrong. I have a fantasy in which I meet a younger man who's wealthier than Bill Gates, sweeter than Mr. Rogers and better looking than the late JFK Jr. Then, I wonder, will the Jews accept me again?" To which she concludes, "More to the point, will I want them back?" Her conclusion is revealing, while at the same time deeply troubling.

Ms. Aron is a sad reflection of where we've gone wrong as Jews who are trying to perpetuate Judaism. Granted she's frustrated that she's not married, but this is her fantasy? Let's see, young, rich and good looking, and yes, sweet too. But what ever happen to a spouse selection that included: hardworking, integral, God-fearing, family oriented, community oriented, good values and religious?

The question I have is who has left whom? Unmarried men and women have always been accepted and welcomed into contemporary synagogue life. But when Jews seemingly disregard serious Jewish values for what is popular and superficial, perhaps it is they who have left us? Maybe that is why she is not married?

Perhaps her expectations are so beyond reality that she really does live in a fantasy world. No matter where you stand on the issue, as we begin the Hebrew calendar year 5768, let us continue to build a synagogue community that strives to maintain Godly ideals, while at the same time continues to be open and welcoming to all.

Rabbi Michael Gotlieb